8 Lessons I'd Like to Teach My Mother's Tiny, Ferocious Dog

Chyna, left, & Jed, right

My mom has two dogs, whom I lovingly(ish) refer to as the diva & the demon. Their real names, respectively, are Chyna & Jed, & yes, I'm fully aware of how terrible their names are, but they came with them, & my mom didn't feel like changing them, so Chyna & Jed it is.

Chyna, the tiny diva, is a chihuahua/miniature pinscher mix, & she is cute but not as fluffy as I like dogs to be. She has hella anxiety issues, which you would think would mean we'd be BFF, but really it just means that she is 100% obsessed with my mom & needs to be basically on top of her at all times, so she has no time for me unless my mom is not around.

Jed, the tiny demon, is a chihuahua/Pomeranian mix, we think, & he is basically the cutest dog I have ever seen in my whole life, & we are indeed BFFs. He sleeps in my bed at night & tries to lick my face when I'm not looking, & I love him, but he's also sort of an asshole. The first time I met Jed, he snarled at me & threatened to bite me & wouldn't come near me for almost a full week. Like so many tiny dogs, he thinks he is actually a lion.

I don't love taking the dogs on joint walks, so I've been walking them separately. Chyna is fine - lovely & meandering. Jed, on the other hand, is... well, a demon. Here are a few things I'd like to teach this dog, if he were at all teachable (which he is not):

1. Just because that dog is barking over there does not mean you need to follow suit. It's 7am & the neighbor has a tiny jerk of a dog, too, but that doesn't mean you need to be a tiny jerk of a dog just because he is. Does it? I mean, why does it? You're a dog, not a lemming. So shut up.
   
   
2. Contrary to popular belief, you do not need to pee on everything. Look, it's a fence! Look, it's a fire hydrant! Look, it's a daffodil! Goddamnit, dude, keep moving. You are too small for a bladder so endless.
   
   
3. You are never going to catch that bird. That bird is faster than you & it has wings, so just give it up already. You're never gonna get to taste a bird, little man.
   
   
4. Or that squirrel. Can you climb trees? Balance on telephone wires? No? Then give up on squirrels, too.
   
   
5. That cat does not give a shit about you. I'll concede that you could feasibly catch a cat someday, if that cat were stupid enough to wander into our fenced-in backyard while you're out on the prowl. But that cat is smarter than you, & that cat is never gonna cross the threshold, & so you're never gonna get to eat him, either.
   
   
6. That biker will hit you. I can keep you out of the way of cars, but what do you think you're doing, zooming up to the curb to bark at an innocent bicyclist? That dude will smoosh you flat - & probably flip over his handlebars in the process. Are you trying to kill & get killed? Stay in the grass, man.
   
   
7. Nobody is out to get you. Why are you barking at that kindly old woman who asked what breed you are? Why are you barking at that cute little kid who wanted to pet you? Why are you barking at the man smoking a cigarette on his front porch who waved at us? All of these people like you! Or at least they would, if you weren't being a tiny jerk.
   
   
8. Everyone likes you better when you're nice. You are mightily adorable, but when you are rude to everyone, people start to hate you. Including me. Why not quit trying to play the hotshot loud-guy card & instead just start playing up your looks? They say you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, little dog - but now that I think about it, you'd probably just chase those flies while barking at top volume, anyway.